Halloween Tricks

My best friend got married this weekend. Five minutes before walking up the aisle she said she thought she wouldn't be able to do it, that she would be sick in front of all the people that had shown up to show their love and support. But she did, coming up the aisle crying and going back down laughing. I was in awe of her strength and conviction, that she made it through her vows without a slip, that they kissed and seemed to be the perfect, loving couple. I can't imagine how strange that must be to be so young and married. To be tied to someone else in every way.

We were discussing it earlier in the week. I flew down on Wednesday to offer my emotional and mental support to her crazed family. Running around finishing the details of what was to be a beautiful wedding is never easy. We talked about how holidays would now be divided up, that she would now be eating with someone more often, waking up with someone almost every morning, having to deal with checking in with that someone before taking off for the weekend. I can't imagine taking on that kind of responsibility, especially since I'm at an age that means I rarely have money in my checking account. From here on she will be sharing all of that with another human being and starting a family with him, dividing up chores with him. That really seems to be what makes the difference between living together and being married. In marriage there is no easy way out. You can't just pack your things and leave when hard times hit. I wonder what they were feeling standing up at the altar in front of each other and God and their families and promising themselves to each other for the rest of their lives. Sure there's a fifty percent divorce rate, but I have high hopes for this couple. I have several married friends who I think won't make it past year 5, but with this couple, I'm thinking that it's going to be a long haul.

We spent the three days I was there getting ready for the wedding, running errands, nails, hair, dress pick ups, flowers. There were various moments of panic and one evening when she stormed out of her parents house swearing never to go back. I stood back and watched from my "maid of honor" stance and thought how glad I was that it wasn't me, that if i ever get to that point with someone i don't think I'll want a huge wedding with first dances and cake cutting. I think I'd much rather be on an island somewhere underneath a sky big enough to hold the promise of a lifetime. But I was a little jealous that they found each other and knew beyond a doubt that they were meant for each other. When you know you know, but how is that? Do you have various inklings about who that person is, or do you just judge it based on various people you meet.

At the rehearsal dinner,, they gave each other these gifts that were very heartfelt. One of hers was a "husband journal" she had been keeping since she was seventeen years old. It was filled with various thoughts on marriage,, on the qualities she wanted her future husband to have, prayers for him and about him, different quotes and lists. I went through it on the Friday before (with her permission, of course!) wondering how she had become such a solid person. I can't imagine starting a husband journal at seventeen. Sure, i wanted to be married but I also thought that the main part of that marriage was the jewelry involved. I mean, I wouldn't actually want him sleepng in the same bed with me or anything. I think most girls are like that, wanting that security and companionship all wrapped up neatly in a tux with a bowtie. Guess I missed out on that gene, since I pretty much ignored the idea of marrying until I was well through college. And even then it wasn't something real, it was abstract, meaning probably in the next ten to fifteen years it might happen. Emphasis on might.

But she's taken that step and now I'm realizing I'm reaching a point where friends are getting married and making that commitment to each other and deeming themselves no longer single. It's weird to me, that from here on out they'll never be single again. The closest they'll ever get is divorced, and no one likes to say that. Now this abstract thing is upon me and I have to wonder who else will get married in the coming years, who else will move forward in that particular direction. I like that here in New York, it's not a big deal. Like that couple in the New York times a couple of weeks ago? They were married at ages 71 and 74 and met because he waited for her outside the kitchen while she retrieved her refrigerated medication on a cruise ship. That's romance, in my eyes. She laid it all out on the table for him and he took it anyway, begged for it, really. I love that story, I love it when older people find each other and make a new life together.

It seems early to be thinking about these things but only in New England Years. Last night I sat next to a girl who was 37, just out of law school, and looked about 20. She was talking about how her parents had given up on her every having babies and how disappointed they were that she hadn't married yet. But I was in love with that idea that she could hve this committed loving boyfriend and feel no pressure or desire to change that by marrying him. I wonder if my friend felt the same way? That if they hadn't gotten married they still would have been able to do all these things together and love each other without bands on their fingers.

I enjoyed the wedding thoroughly, watching her walk up the aisle on her father's arm, seeing her practically run down the aisle afterwareds and then speak to people she won't remember speaking to tomorrow or by today at least. She won't remember being whirled around by various people, being turned and twisted and feeding cake to her new husband.
Weddings always make me feel weird. They're so happy, so full of hope and then they seem to fall apart later on, seem to change once it's over and the fanfare has been taken away. After that you are left with each other and a certificate that says you are tied to someone else legally as well as emotionally.