It Comes in Waves

My best friend from college is getting married in less than two weeks. It sends a chill down my spine just to think about it. She is the third or fourth of my friends to get married in the last couple of years but for some reason I can't comprehend that I'm at an age where people are actually doing this, jumping off the deep end into what I consider and hope they consider a lifetime commitment. Here I am, struggling to eat on my own money and they're planning houses and babies and golden anniversaries. It is truly optimistic, considering the current sixty percent divorce rate in the U.S. I'm impressed and have to admit that up until a few months ago I thought that was the path I wanted to take. I thought that I had to be married to be complete and I thought I had met the man I was going to marry, so things seemed right. Looking back, I probably just wanted to save some money on rent in New York, and there are other ways to go about doing that.

It's nice to be in a place where there isn't any pressure to be married by the "ripe old" age of twenty five. I like dating my boyfriend again and have essentially stopped worrying about if we're meant to be together or will get married. People say when you know, you know, and what I know now is that we're happy and in love and struggling to live in a very expensive place together. He's even the kind of boyfriend thats willing to fly down for my friend's wedding without too much grumbling. Because, as I told him when we argued about it, "NO WAY can the Maid of Honor not have a date. It looks pathetic and sad!" Which made me sound pathetic and sad, to think that I had to have a romantic date in order to feel complete in the dress I'll never wear again and shoes that my feet will be punishing me for for days.

Bridesmaids. It's more of a decorative term than anything else now. I mean, brides don't really need "maids" to get them ready to wed anymore. But it's a nice way of saying, "You're enough of a friend that I feel comfortable charging you inordinate amounts of money and using your time to make sure my wedding day goes off without a hitch."

Bridesmaids and maids of honor became more common when weddings were planned. For several days before the marriage, a senior maid attended to the bride-to-be. This maid or matron of honor, as we know her today, ensured that the bridal wreath was made and helped the bride get dressed. All bridesmaids helped the bride decorate for the wedding feast.

For a long time, bridesmaids wore dresses much like the bride's gown, while ushers dressed in clothing that was similar to the groom's attire. This tradition began for protection against evil rather than for uniformity; if evil spirits or jealous suitors attempted to harm the newlyweds, they would be confused as to which two people were the bride and groom. (birthdayexpress.com/weddingtraditions) In Roman times, you had to have ten witnesses to be married, which is why bridesmaids came along.

Most of the history of bridesmaids that came up on Google went along the same lines. That the "maids" dressed like the bride to protect the couple against evil spirits and that they were in charge of making sure the "bridal wreath" was made. It's a really interesting thought, that we are supposed to be so similar to the woman getting married evil spirits will be confused and not know which one is the bride. The rest of the history led me to more modern times in which the maid of honor or "chief bridesmaid" (according to hitched.co.uk) is in charge of a bridal shower, bachelorette party, and in some times a toast at the wedding. I haven't even thought of where to begin in describing what it's like to watch a friend get married and take such a huge step in her life, so certain she has met her match.

If I sound cynical, I'm not. I'm one of the most romantic people I know. I watched Romeo and Juliet obsessively growing up and get teary-eyed at most romantic movies. I feel like I have spent a large portion of my life waiting to meet my "soul mate" when, in fact, I already had several, including the friend that is tying her life and heart to another in only a couple of weeks.
I'm so impressed that she feels ready to do this at the age of twenty four, a mere baby in terms of life but old enough to decide something like this. My boyfriend told me that we currently have the lowest age of first marriages since the sixteen hundreds. Something like 26 for women, 28 for men. And everyone automatically assumes you were married at age twelve!

After spending a lot of time watching "Sex and the City" I also wonder about why such a negative stigma is associated with not ever getting married by choice. My aunt never got married, preferring to have her own house, life and financial security along with a boyfriend to take her on trips, buy her nice presents, and go on dates with. They've been dating since the seventies and are the most secure couple I know. I have to wonder if it's because they never married, because they have never shared a roof. While they spend almost every day together, after the 11 o'clock news he heads back to his home, and she gets ready for bed in hers. So after watching as Carrie, Miranda, and Samantha battle the stigma, I'm impressed with them, even as fictional characters, that they are so secure with themselves and their lives as single people. Yes, at the end of the series, two are married, one is just saying I love you and one is being found by the "Right Man" but still for most of the programs they were single, trying to find one decent men in a whole lot of New York Undecent Men. I did the same thing through college, going through dates like water, being the unattainable girl who smiled a lot but would rarely kiss.

Why I did that I'm not sure. I was so overcautious at the beginning of college that I let a perfect man go. He was caring, funny, smart and adored me and I rejected him. For no reason other than my own fear of finding the "one" too young. When, I've begun to realize, there could be hundreds of "ones" in the world for me. I can't guarantee anything beyond the cash in my wallet and clothes on my back. Part of that comes from being Southern, from planning my wedding from the age of twelve (thank GOD my bridesmaids' dresses have changed) and playing with Bridal Barbie and Ken from an even younger age, watching them pretend to start their life together in the Barbie Townhouse with about thirty of her friends. Ken, of course, never had any friends.

Now I'm in an exclusive relationship and have been dating him for over two years. Two years! Since I was legal to drink I've been kissing the same guy and laughing with him and discovering what kind of stamina he really has. Trust me, it's a good one. We made a move together, and fought, and cried and laughed and have found that we can stand each other every day, or nearly every day. It's definitely a huge change to go from seeing someone once a week to every day. I'm so glad to have him in my life but have questioned us more times than I probably should have. This stemming from the fear that was instilled in me so long ago. It's the same way I questioned most of the guys I dated thus ending up single for almost a year before setting on a journey with this guy. He has done so much for my life that I can never repay him and he puts up with my outbursts, especially as I slowly become the only friend without a ring on that significant finger. Especially as one of my best friends takes a walk down the aisle and I help her do that. I've cried over that more in the last few months than I've cried in the whole of the last year. Not because I won't be taking that step for a long time (by choice) but because I'm watching my friends get engaged and plan the "rest of their lives" before they're even thirty.

When you watch someone take that step in their lives, it really makes you evaluate your own choices. She's receiving plates and glasses and Crock-pots and setting up what will be their first home while I'm hitting movies and bars with friends, and only taking fifteen minutes to clean my studio apartment. I hardly have any furniture, much less a dining room set! (Not that I would need it, considering I don't have a dining room). She had her final fitting and I went shopping for rehearsal dinner clothes. We're almost the same age, had a lot of the same experiences, and yet now we are at a very clear, very scary fork in the road. I only hope those roads merge again at the same place.