The "No-Kill" Policy

There's an animal fair going on around the corner from where I work. Not a large one, just a few animals from the AC&C center uptown who are in need of homes. Yes, my heartstrings are always pulled but generally I am able to walk away. Could it be that I was pulled in because I'm missing my own animals at my parent's house? Could it be that I'm feeling some kind of biological urge that can be taken care of with a furry friend? We won't know. But I checked out the cats. They want NYC to be the First metropolitan "No-Kill" community in the country. Numberwise, that could happen, if most of the city adopted something. Reality wise, I would tap it towards some fantasy world that we live in, where all the animals are loved and cared for.

It's funny because I've always been a dog person. Yes, my family has always kept cats but generally they were for the barn, useful, working animals. Until Prissy, the only female on our farm, moved inside because she was consistently bullied. From then on she became eight pounds of deadweight, at one point literally watching a mouse run across the kitchen floor.

My last year in college I rescued Edie, a darling four pound calico kitten that has expanded into a thirteen pound cat who sleeps in the sink and is the most insistent creature I have ever dealt with. She is part Turkish Van, a fact I just recently discovered when I realized that there was a breed of cat who liked water as much as Edie seemed to. She is obsessed with showers, baths and loves water. Plays in hers all the time.

People say that you don't choose a cat, a cat chooses you. Never has this seemed truer. There are cats that don't like me and cats I don't like. It's a little easier with dogs, because I know I'm not ready to walk a dog in the snow in the middle of January. I also like the way cats lay in the sun, and play by themselves, and purr when you pet them. Of course there are downsides, and I'm aware there would be a lot of downsides in a studio apartment, but all the same it's hard not to miss your cat once you have one.

Which brings me back to yesterday. Stacked cages, nine of them, holding one cat each, cats laying with their eyes closed against the sun no longer caring how they appeared to the people that might adopt them. I visited each cage, starting with a nine week old kitten all the way to a cat that was much older. I "spoke" to Toby, Ariel, Orelia, Tiger, and Lucky before finally landing on a cage that didn't have the paperwork attached to it. The cat was obviously very young, and freshly neutered. He was a gray and white tabby with white markings that reminded me very much of a kitten I had as a little girl. I had been rejected by most of the other cats at this point and figured I would try with this one since no one else was paying much attention to him.

He looked me in the face and with that I knew he was a connection. He immediately started purring and rubbing his head in my hand. As I continued he rolled over and when I stroked his belly (something most cats don't like until they've been with you many, many years) he purred more. I spent a lot of time with him, while the guy supervising adoptions looked on and said, "Looks like you've found your friend". I nodded, smiled wistfully and explained that I was actually a cat owner already and really couldnt' afford to take on another animal. I left out the parts where I was so poor I couldn't eat weeks I had to pay rent. But he was something. After work I went back by and spent more time with him, praying for an answer. It was almost ordained that I was supposed to be in this cat's life and yet logically it's ridiculous to think of getting another cat. Especially since the one I have is at home right now falling in love with my father.

I called my boyfriend and he said he knew I shouldn't be allowed near those things. Ever. He said, "An Edie is enough." And we talked about dogs. Generally I've just been talking about pets a lot lately. I've never not had animals in my life, even if they were just fish. Mom freaked out when I told her I was thinking about getting another cat, and said she thought people should make a choice about whether they wanted to live in the city and not have animals or live in the suburbs or country and have animals. She doesn't have the same feelings I do for my animals. The love that I'm sure parents feel for a child.

I told the man I would come back by tomorrow. In testing faith I hope that someone else with the same connection has adopted Cleo, thus preventing me from having to make that decision. From having to take in an animal i could barely afford. because there was a connection. It's like with friends, or people you know are going to become your friends simply because you look into each other's eyes and know beyond belief that this relationship is right. Cats are the same way, you develop a bond with them that is similar to dogs, yet on another level, completely different. Because they don't like to be moved around and yet don't want you leaving their territory.

My mother says she suspects my father is getting wrongly attached to Edie, wanting to watch TV with her, carrying her around the house and overfeeding her. She is gaining weight and when I asked mom if she was overfeeding her she vehemently denied it. I suggested that maybe Edie had a chemical imbalance that was causing her to overeat. Mom snorted and said, "yes. Your father. He is a chemical imbalance." we had a good laugh but underneath there was a definite element of truth. He tends to overfeed those he loves. And he apparently loves my cat. Another question my mother had really hit home as well- "Are you lonely? What is wrong?" What is wrong that urbanites are turning to trapping creatures in their expensive tiny homes while they bound all over the city. Is it insecurity that we have no one else in this place teeming with creatures and people. I am always in awe of all the people who have managed to cram themselves in a 22 by 8 mile space along with Chanel and Saks. But why are we taking cats down with it? What is this primal urge I have coming out to trap an animal in a tiny space and call it mine. The fascinating process of owning a creature comes down to that. What are we missing out on? In the movie Crash, one of the characters speculates that people want to touch each other so badly, want to feel the human, that they literally collide just to make that happen. That people are so lonely trapped behind their Ipods and laptops and TVs and safely tucked in their cars that they subconciously crave collision. I wonder if that is what I was trying to force to happen. If I wanted the feeling of something alive and breathing so badly I forced a collision between myself and the kitten I can't stop thinking about.

It's not that I don't have anything else in my life. I have a full time job, a boyfriend, friends in the city, a membership at the Met and the NYSC and still I want this little animal in my life so badly I can taste it. The way his fur felt beneath my hands was enough. He was obviously so happy with me rubbing his belly and taking the time out of my day to soothe him. It makes me wonder if they realize their fate, if they know that it's necessary to find a home before they lose that chance. Are they happy without us? Do they feel that need to "collide" with humans as well? I'm going back today to retest that theory.

So Cleo will be either sitting out there today or gone. And for my sake, I hope he's gone.