Leaving the Blog

Ever since I've moved over to Myspace, I have greatly neglected this blog and decided, since most people don't read it anyway, to do away with it! So thanks to readers who have been out there, and hopefully the future of blogging will remain strong even without me :-)

Lauren Greenfield's "Thin"

This is really supposed to be about my experiences as a new New Yorker, but since I've been doing that for so long I think it's time to discuss something real. I ran across "Thin" by accident on Sunday afternoon. I was flipping through channels and happened to hit on it. I had heard it mentioned earlier but then it completely slipped my mind that it was beginning in November. So I watched it yesterday and spent nearly the whole time quiet on my bed staring intently at the TV and even more intently at hte girls who were risking their lives trying to make themselves disappear. It helped me understand how far I've come in the past ten or so years. While I completely agree that once you have a disorder or an addiction you are never "free" from it again, I also understand that I am at the healthiest point I have been in years. I eat- a lot. For real. Yes, I still struggle with compulsive excercise and sometimes with purging but for the most part i am able to hold it together.

And I am so glad. Watching some of the patients- many in their twenties and thirties try to piece their lives back together was heart wrenching. There are plenty of pictures of me from high school and college, looking very thin at times, or having fatter cheeks than normal. But I can't imagine going into the hospital for the fourth or fifth time at the age of 25 or 29 or especially in my forties. Yet many of the patients at Renfrew have to deal with just that. They didn't get the help they needed when they started running down the wrong path and by the time someone offered to help them it was just too late to go any other route than expensive in-patient. What makes it worse is that insurance puts stressors on them that they shouldn't have to deal with.

I'm glad that I got some form of help. Maybe it wasn't the best, but it helped me survive my mother until I moved out and was able to assert my needs better. Boyfriend is even more helpful. Before I wasn't willing to talk about what I was afraid of with anyone (including friends nad therapists) but he has helped me see past the disorder, to see that there is such a long road ahead and that things can get better. THe worst part is that most eating disorders are treatable. It's just that people don't know or don't want or ask for help too late.

The Apple Doesn't Want its Picture Taken

So during an interesting visit from my good friend E we went uptown to see the famed Uptown Apple store. I think it opened almost a year ago and is located on 5th Avenue right in front of FAO Schwartz. It's this great glass cube with an apple in it and you actually go downstairs to reach the store. The store is pretty neat, but no more so than most Apple stores. Except it does have the advantage of a 24 hour Genius Bar. So E and I went and talked about Macs and played around on the Macs and didn't buy anything and left. On the way out she said she wanted to take a picture of the cube for this website she works for. I said I would wait around, that was fine.

This particular night they were doing a little construction work but it didn't appear to be anything major or life-altering. Just a little cleaning up around the edges. E took out her camera and prepared to take a photo when suddenly a geeky blond guy showed up right beside us and said "Actually it would be better if you didn't do that."

"What?" E and I both said at the same time, looking at this Mac employee with slight confusion and amusement. It sounded like he had just told her not to take a picture in New York. Which is a very, very rare occurrence, since most of hte city's industry is based on tourism to some degree and -surprise!- tourists take lots of pictures.

"The apple doesn't want to be photographed." We laughed because at first we thought he was kidding. Since the apple is an OBJECT, not PERSON, it's difficult to imagine it being any more offended photographed than prodded at with saws and drills.

"I'm sorry," E said, "Could you repeat yourself?"

Again he told us that he would rather we didn't photograph the Apple tonight, but come bakc in the morning, when all the work was set to be done. E and I said okay, then crossed the streeet where she took a photograph, pointing out that he actually couldn't PREVENT us from taking a photo of the building since there was not an official Apple exec there to stop it and secondly that was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard. I had to agree, but I thought what was most absurd about it was the fact that he had assigned the Apple not only a personality but feelings about having his picture taken. That was crazy. At least it was in my eyes.

It always amuses me how people believe they can tell people what to do in that regard and get away with it. In case you are up here and are taking pictures of buildings (this does not apply to people), you can do that unless the actual owner of the building tells you you cannot. You can take as many pictures as you wish and no one will say a word, most likely. So take a picture of the Apple, even if it is under construction. I promise you won't hurt its feelings.

Apartment Therapy

Last weekend was supposed to be cold and rainy so I picked up a book called Apartment Therapy to deal with it. I thought that maybe by changing around my interior I could somehow also work on my life or something. In a way that was true. I did change some things around in my apartment and it did help significantly. I changed some things around, cleaned out stuff that should have been released long ago, and bought a new showerhead. That's right. A new showerhead. Something small but that would make the apartment more comfortable.

I think i've been nomadic for so long I'm always scared to do a lot of work in a place I'm renting. You never know how long you're going to be there, and you don't want to sink a lot of money into somewhere you'll only be for a couple of years. A lot of places also don't allow change, like painting or redecorating or knocking down things. I moved around a lot through college, rarely staying in one place longer than a year, and I always hated that feeling of packing up and moving again. A lot of the times i moved not by choice, if you get my drift.

Slowly I'm starting to desire a homebase. Somewhere that I can spend a long time trying to fix up and make liveable. Somewhere I can always go. I need a homebase. I'm at an age where my parents house just can't do that for me any longer, and actually often makes it worse because I realize that I need somewhere to call my own. Of course you can try to do that with the space you're in and I definitely do that. When you live in a city like New York it's really important to have somewhere to escape to, and that's part of it. That's part of the reason why New Yorkers are always so obsessed with real estate. Because no matter how much you love this place, you also love escaping to somewhere safe and cozy. If that were not the case, people wouldn't have country homes in Westchester or Connecticutt!

What was great about this book is that it is laid out in a really easy format, has awesome suggestions for other books to read
and is done in a way that just about everyone can do it and without putting that much money into it. It has different graphs for setting up various areas of your home and speaks a lot about letting things go that don't fully complement your life, that don't really improve how you feel about yourself and your life.

I guess the point of this is that I am slowly getting over the nomadic thing. I might be moving around for years and years and years. who knows where I'll land next? But while I'm doing that, I'm going to try and make every home as comfortable as I can.

Reproduction

I know that this is really just supposed to be about my experiences in New York, but it all kind of works itself out and blends together because this does matter in context of my life in New York. Several of my friends are going through divorces, or are divorced. I know that statistically it makes sense but when it's happening to people you know and love it's much harder. ANd I hate those people that tell them to work it out. How can anyone judge what is best for a marriage? I know that when children are involved, it probably is best to make sure that soemthing as final as a divorce is healthy. But when you're young and it's just the two of you and you have no assets, getting a divorce is emotionally heart wrenching but understandable.

One of my friends who is going through is just finding out who he and his wife really are. They probably shouldn't have gotten married so young, maybe he should have gone to grad school first, but what's done is done and the only thing left is moving forward. Then he finds out that an issue they had agreed on was never really agreed on. They had agreed not to have children. With overpopulation and the encumberment of diapers and bottles, mixed with her adopted background and their desire to travel, it made sense. Then, recenttly when he is with her she tells him she does in fact want to have kids, just not with him. That he's depressed and there are genetic connections and she doesn't want her children to have to deal with that. Of course he points out that since she was adopted, she doesn't know enough of her family background to be sure that there isnt anything in there. Then he says something that few people really say. He says "So What?" So what if he isn't perfect and has all these problems in his life. Is that a reason not to have children?

I haven't heard that in a long time. My own mother discourages me from raising a family on a regular basis because of my struggles with depression and eating disorders throughout my life. She throws out there that there are genes for alcoholism and addiction in my family background and do I really want to spread that on. So I always thought that I couldn't have children. That I would be doing the world a disservice by having them. Surprisingly I've always wanted to adopt babies. I think that there is no reason a child who is already here and needs to be loved should struggle so that selfish forty somethings can spend thousands on in-vitro in order to produce their own babies.

Then I thought about the stigma of depression and mental illness. People with mental illness, at least severe mental illnesses are discourage from having children. Yet I read all the time about women with breast cancer who give birth to daughters and people with diabetes having children. I have trouble understanding how that is acceptable. If anything my own parents should have given more thought to having children- with every family member having cancer at some point or another, strong ties to circulation problems and diabetes, heart trouble, it would have made sense for them to throw the idea out. But the biological urge to reproduce was so strong they did it anyway.

Ironically one of my friends recently told me she wouldn't adopt because she wouldn't want to take on whatever weird problems the child might have. I almost think it's better that way. Definitely better than purposely bringing a child into the world who you know stands a high chance of physical defects and illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, congenital heart problems. How is that any different than bringing in a child who has a chance of developing depression?

I pointed out to my mother that I'm probably the best prepared future mother in the world. That since I have experienced debilitating depression, eating disorders that wrecked my life for years, I would know what to look for. My parents certainly did. Back to my friend- he's right. There isn't any reason for his wife (soon-to-be-ex) to assume he would be a worse father than anyone else in our gene pool. With all these crazy mutants coming out of in-vitro and surrogate mothers and being born to chemically impounded 50 year olds, it would actually be nice to have more children that come about the regular way, bringing with them normal diseases, born at a healthy weight to young, healthy parents.

New England is a lot further than I thought

So for some reason I've always believed the whole Northeast is squished up into one little area of the country, thus making travel in and among the states really simple. No wonder the Mayflower Pilgrims decided to stay in Massachusetts regardless of the horrible weather and worse food situation. Beats trying to make it across the country. Before when I said that they should have headed south I thought I was off base. Until I was invited to Vermont for the weekend.

In my head it seemed easy. I would hop on a train and take a ride, maybe lasting a few hours, straight through the state to Burlington. Too bad the ride I was referring to would last a minimum of 7 hours (in a car I don't have) or 9-10 hours (via train or bus). Since I hate riding longer than 6-7 hours, it sucks to think I have to go to all that trouble just to get to a state that is tiny and close by (Just look at the map!) Makes me wish the high-speed trains of Europe all over again. It's crazy to put that much effort into going somewhere for literally two days. Plus in order to fully enjoy the weekend I would have to take a day off work (another option that's not really an option). Wow, the things we do for our friends.

It's just weird. I always heard about people living in New Jersey and Connecticutt and even Pennsylvania and commuting to New York City and it never seemed to be that much of an ordeal. So why is it that things are so much further than they seem? While I understand trying to get to Maine might be a long and exhausting process, I can't see how going to Burlington Vermont could possibly take that much effort.But it is. A TEN HOUR BUS RIDE? A few years ago my friend spent three days on a Greyhound and nearly lost her mind. Really.

I think that all the cartographers responsible for maps of the Continental United States be required to express how unrealistic the maps are. Yes, I know it's not really half an inch, but the scales never make sense without a ruler. What they could do is just have printed in red across the top "IT'S A LOT FURTHER THAN YOU THINK." That's the kind of map I'd like to buy.

3000 Condoms

I knew that would get your attention. In the 21st century safe sex is not only vital, it is easy to obtain. Not that Ii'm encouraging sleeping around, because I'm definitely not, but did you know that the New York City health department will send as many free condoms as you want to a business or dormitory? I didn't until B's neighbor called up as a joke and ended up with literally 3000 on his doorstep. I kid you not. So they were going to have a party and hand them all out but he left town, and the condoms, locked up in his apartment. Yes, I guess he really thinks he's going to get lucky.

It got me to thinking about the various free services NYC has to offer. And there are plenty. Boyfriend has a book called "Free and Dirt Cheap in New York" that works on this entire basis that most forms of entertainment can be found for free. Some of it is in higher demand than others- we all saw what happened with Meryl Streep in Central Park's Shakespeare in the Park this summer. People were actually SCALPING free tickets. That's sad. And there are some really nice things in New York that are free, like the Dance Theater in the summer at Lincoln center and the Staten Island Ferry (also I heard that beer on the SIF is only like 3 or 4 dollars). I personally enjoy walking around the city and wandering in and out of stores so over priced I'm surprised I get in, thus feeding my material desires without costing me a dime.

It's funny how when you get up here and actually start to live your life it doesn't matter so much anymore that you can't afford to do a lot of things people think of when thtey come to New York- opera, theater, Pastis on a Friday night. You become excited about finding an amazing Italian place in your neighborhood, when toilet paper is on sale at the grocery store, and when you get through the line at Trader Joes in under 10 minutes (For anyone who has visited the Union Square location you know that's a rarity). THere is always so much going on here. Boyfriend and I can find just about any form of entertainment from a hookah bar to an improv comedy show (they are both abundant). I've also made friends in various areas who are helpful when it comes to finding things to do at a reasonable price- waiters that take off our drinks, bouncers taht remember us from the week before. Those rae really the people you need to know to get around in the city.