Reproduction

I know that this is really just supposed to be about my experiences in New York, but it all kind of works itself out and blends together because this does matter in context of my life in New York. Several of my friends are going through divorces, or are divorced. I know that statistically it makes sense but when it's happening to people you know and love it's much harder. ANd I hate those people that tell them to work it out. How can anyone judge what is best for a marriage? I know that when children are involved, it probably is best to make sure that soemthing as final as a divorce is healthy. But when you're young and it's just the two of you and you have no assets, getting a divorce is emotionally heart wrenching but understandable.

One of my friends who is going through is just finding out who he and his wife really are. They probably shouldn't have gotten married so young, maybe he should have gone to grad school first, but what's done is done and the only thing left is moving forward. Then he finds out that an issue they had agreed on was never really agreed on. They had agreed not to have children. With overpopulation and the encumberment of diapers and bottles, mixed with her adopted background and their desire to travel, it made sense. Then, recenttly when he is with her she tells him she does in fact want to have kids, just not with him. That he's depressed and there are genetic connections and she doesn't want her children to have to deal with that. Of course he points out that since she was adopted, she doesn't know enough of her family background to be sure that there isnt anything in there. Then he says something that few people really say. He says "So What?" So what if he isn't perfect and has all these problems in his life. Is that a reason not to have children?

I haven't heard that in a long time. My own mother discourages me from raising a family on a regular basis because of my struggles with depression and eating disorders throughout my life. She throws out there that there are genes for alcoholism and addiction in my family background and do I really want to spread that on. So I always thought that I couldn't have children. That I would be doing the world a disservice by having them. Surprisingly I've always wanted to adopt babies. I think that there is no reason a child who is already here and needs to be loved should struggle so that selfish forty somethings can spend thousands on in-vitro in order to produce their own babies.

Then I thought about the stigma of depression and mental illness. People with mental illness, at least severe mental illnesses are discourage from having children. Yet I read all the time about women with breast cancer who give birth to daughters and people with diabetes having children. I have trouble understanding how that is acceptable. If anything my own parents should have given more thought to having children- with every family member having cancer at some point or another, strong ties to circulation problems and diabetes, heart trouble, it would have made sense for them to throw the idea out. But the biological urge to reproduce was so strong they did it anyway.

Ironically one of my friends recently told me she wouldn't adopt because she wouldn't want to take on whatever weird problems the child might have. I almost think it's better that way. Definitely better than purposely bringing a child into the world who you know stands a high chance of physical defects and illnesses such as cancer, diabetes, congenital heart problems. How is that any different than bringing in a child who has a chance of developing depression?

I pointed out to my mother that I'm probably the best prepared future mother in the world. That since I have experienced debilitating depression, eating disorders that wrecked my life for years, I would know what to look for. My parents certainly did. Back to my friend- he's right. There isn't any reason for his wife (soon-to-be-ex) to assume he would be a worse father than anyone else in our gene pool. With all these crazy mutants coming out of in-vitro and surrogate mothers and being born to chemically impounded 50 year olds, it would actually be nice to have more children that come about the regular way, bringing with them normal diseases, born at a healthy weight to young, healthy parents.